Ohh

I'm lying in bed, it's 3 in the morning, and it hits me: I'M PART OF THE "THEY"!! I act in accordance to what OTHER PEOPLE think is the character of Jon!
I rarely say things like "I love you" to my parents. I'd assume that i'm not the type of person that does, and when I do, I feel wierd. And it's not because it IS out of my character, but because it's out of what even my parents and my brothers and sister and every one else think is my character. I'm actually afraid that they'll think "That is not like Jon to say that" and so MAYBE IT'S NOT LIKE JON TO SAY IT!

I don't act in conflict with what people expect of me. Except for this; this is not me. I don't journal, and I don't journal personal revelations at 3 in the morning.

And I know what brought this about. The fact that I have to journal. I was thinking in bed about what kinds of things I should put in my journal, considering it is recommended to have pictures or poems or other stuff . And to those things I said, "I'm in an existentialist class, where the point of existentialism is to act according to the directives that matter most to me, and yet I feel like I have to go out of my character and put these poems and junk and that is not ME."

And then "ME" was torn apart into "other people's perceptions of me" and now this. This is the first step into myself.